"First, let’s examine what makes for a healthy marriage. Any healthy relationship stands on an interdependent foundation. What do I mean by that? The parties to the relationship share goals. They each view the other(s) as having something to contribute to those goals for everyone’s benefit. The contributions do not have to be equal but the expectations of all are understood— they don’t keep score and have no hidden agendas. They do not have to agree on everything and they can disagree, even often. That’s ok — they respect each other's boundaries, values, and priorities. No one belongs to or feels subservient to another. Through open and vulnerable communication, they hope to share their completeness with each other and yet know that they can continue to grow. No matter how complete, no one has achieved perfection."

That's actually from my essay on a polyamorous marriage as a metaphor for a relationship between spirituality, science, and philosophy, https://medium.com/a634f5446364 , building off a homework assignment a therapist gave me in 2012 when I was mired in a toxic and codependent relationship with the borderline I left my wife for (wife and I are good friends now--I never could have been "happy" married to her and back then I never could have left without my sights on someone I thought I loved). He asked me to describe a healthy relationship. I wrote that "each partner should maintain their sense of self; no one should lose who they are to the relationship; it should be a partnership wherein each person maintains their autonomy; kind of like a treaty between, for example, the United States and Canada — contributions and rules are agreed to but each country maintains its sovereignty."

Despite knowing that, I couldn't break away from the toxic relationship for another year. You've read stuff I've written about that.

PS: Conni, your essay is great. One of your best.