I understand. Your words take me back to a couple of poems I wrote. https://medium.com/channspirations/lifes-contradictions-and-paradoxes-8c99c537a3c0 starts with this stanza:

Face fear with courage
Strength to be vulnerable
Embrace letting go
Accept unacceptable
Now need not last forever

I thought I once wrote that there is victory in surrender but I'm not finding those exact words. I may have to Google search myself. My poem https://medium.com/write-under-the-moon/manifesto-1a8e00acb5a4 does present that theme though, and many others. It starts with this stanza:

Glowing from the void
Universal knowledge enlightens
Ah if it were only so easy
Retreat is not surrender
Defeating fear
Is victory even if it ends in
Annihilation
Nous will return

One day I hope to do a guided mushroom trip and to make it to Peru or elsewhere for Ayahuasca ceremonies. Imagine what I will download after that!