Is this what you mean?
"In October [2020] I emailed my sisters, saying:
'I do not think I ever succinctly explained my decision [to cut ties with dad] to the two of you. ... The first paragraph of the hyperlinked article in the email below describes dad’s relations towards me, up to a point. It validates what I intuited — that dad was jealous of mom and me [normal mother son love]. But dad took it 100 steps beyond the “normal” bane. Instead of seeking to prepare me for life, he sneakily did things to purposely ill prepare me for life. The specifics do not matter. In fact the worst one I don’t even know how he did it, but I know he did. Dad purposely mal-nurtured me to be [a] dependent person. In high school I read Emerson’s Self-Reliance and it strongly resonated with me. I am a non-conformist. A non-conformist is a very strong personality. I had found my path when I was a junior in high school. I wrote an essay on it that I’m sure I shared with dad. Somehow he knocked me off that path and I’ve been chasing my tail ever since.'
Most narcissistic fathers damage their sons, but they don’t intend to — they honestly believe that they are acting in their sons’ best interest. My father purposely sought to damage me because his level of jealousy was outside the farthest boundaries of tolerable.
My theory of why is something that I had thought was the figment of Freud’s imagination — a pathologically unresolved oedipal complex [toward's his mother].
Despite all this, for nearly two months I tried to redeem my father. He only dug his heels in deeper. As I have previously published:
There is no hell — there is essentially purgatory, sort of known as the cellar of Heaven — for some people there is Hell on Earth to pay for having been really bad in their last life — this, for example is my father — I do not know what he did in his last life that this life is hell for him — but his soul agreed to it — and he cannot do anything in this life to move up the ladder in Heaven — and one of the things my soul agreed to was the pain to which he has purposely subjected me — purposely because that was the role his soul and my soul agreed to — the contract does not require me to continue to endure the pain.
My father contracted to endure a throw-away life as his penance. That is the basis of my decision.
But that is not what I need to get off my chest.
Father: 'Son, I do not believe in premarital sex. The way men treat women is wrong.' [that was a paraphrase of many statements to me in late latency, always when we were alone]
A few years later: Scene, 14ish year old son’s bedroom: Dad opens the door without knocking, clearly inebriated, starts to talk of sexual exploits. Son: 'You said you were a virgin when you got married.' Father: 'uh uh, oh, well once I got engaged I figured I better know what to do so I had sex with three women.'
Until this summer I thought that was true. This is me, a 53-year old man, crying [selfie in the post] to my mother: 'why, why would he do that to me???!!!???!!!'
Her answer: 'I don’t know.'
Deep down somewhere under the co-dependency she has to know, doesn’t she?"
