Oddly, the several times I visited Lindsey's grave when I lived in New Hampshire were among my most peaceful moments. https://medium.com/paper-poetry/toasting-lindsey-with-tankas-f738272aed7c

Anyway, you wrote a beautiful piece here, Mariana. Really well done.

The struggles with "how could God..." you depict so well stem from the false descriptions of God as taught by most religions. I don't think you've read this recent essay of mine, my first and only boosted story: https://medium.com/illumination-curated/lets-talk-about-atheists-and-bible-beating-believers-in-the-god-of-abraham-fe139f4833f3