So much in this story upsets me. The unequal treatment of sons and daughters bothers me. It upsets me because of our friendship. I am upset because beyond what you said here about decisions you have made, you said in your story about you and your younger sister the other day, "I often feel unhappy about the decisions I have made under the influence of others." This piece today flows out of that story and the thought processes you are having around the tension between your upbringing and YourSelf.

Placing the burdens of strictness on girls but not on boys is so wrong.

The mindset that children should live to make their parents proud, especially when that pride is not based on accomplishments but from living within societal constructs that may be antithetical to the children's core and happiness, is crazy to me. I know I'm a corrupt westerner ;-) but I'm not just talking about the systems in place in other cultures--to varying degrees the same misplaced roles between parents and children exist here too.

Then there are the suicide attempts from shame which you know is a hot button issue for me due to Andrew's suicide and Lindsey's accidental overdose. https://medium.com/illumination/dizain-of-suicide-72bcde4dc8d8 Even unsuccessful suicide attempts are so destructive.

Shame that exists because the fucking community piled on and tortured the man and his family. No one knew what happened or didn't happen at the boyfriend's apt. Maybe they had sex (not that they shouldn't in my eyes if done with precautions) or maybe she did honor the trust her father placed in her. The only source of the dire consequences is not the father's or the daughter's actions but the fucking neighbors not minding their own goddamn business. Gossip and judgmental behavior and thoughts of others. Regardless of what was happening at the boyfiend's, how did it affect anyone besides those two people?

This reminds me now of the essays about unnecessary talk and the danger of gossip written by Frank Ontario (https://medium.com/illumination-curated/sealing-two-energy-leaks-990d5184a554 ) and K. Pearson Bradley (https://medium.com/@k.pearson.bradley/do-this-to-stop-gossip-2e1942f9a531) that I cited in my https://marcus17043.medium.com/why-do-good-people-fear-their-own-shadow-8e5a921ac775

Pearson’s article educates us with wisdom from Socrates, which she boils down to these questions:

1. Is it true (absolutely and certainly, without a doubt)?

2. Is it good (i.e., peaceful, loving, empathetic, uplifting)?

3. Is it useful (i.e., helpful, beneficial)?

Clearly the gossip and the direct statements to the father was nothing but harmful.