This is great Wendy. I identify with much of it. The anger that led me to break off relations with my father was properly channeled. https://medium.com/know-thyself-heal-thyself/why-i-canceled-my-father-bcb60831ee35 Realizing that I was really angry at myself for having been fooled my entire life was a big part of forgiving him. Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. I am not ever letting his dark energy back into my life, which while my mother will never see it because she gaslights my spirituality with "you need a psychiatrist" is actually also a boundary of kindness for my father's tortured soul. https://medium.com/grab-a-slice/canceling-my-father-the-ultimate-expression-of-empathy-dbf390772d26. The anger that I felt recently towards hateful speech and ignorance was also proper. https://medium.com/know-thyself-heal-thyself/justified-rage-6ee693f47da0