This reminds me of a conversation I had with Mystical Meredith at rehab in 2012:

"Meredith asked me why I thought I used substances abusively. I answered that I thought there was an irreconcilable conflict between my conscious and subconscious minds over things I had done, or not done, over the past few years, and I drank and drugged to run away from rather than resolve this conflict. Meredith explained that the conflict was not between my conscious and subconscious, but between my mind and my soul."

Restating that now, I drank and drugged abusively to counteract the uncomfortable feelings from acting contrary to my conscience. There were other reasons, it's not all that cut and dry, but that's what is relevant here.