Yet I know it when I feel it. "In 1996, during my first and mostly forgotten foray into the 12-Stepverse, the rehab took us to a "meeting." The speaker told the story of his suicidal ideation. He had terrible insomnia along with alcoholism. He would stay up nights, drinking in his basement, planning his family-annihilation-suicide. He spent many a night meticulously planning for and rigging the boiler to explode to take out himself, his wife, and his children as his family slept. Then, the night he was ready to pull the switch, he fell asleep. Listening to him tell that story was the first time I felt the presence of God in my life. A presence I later forgot about for too long, but God never forgot about me."